Threnody

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Let tomorrow bring for me
a blood red sun’s cloudless break.
For her light I will not see,
– to her light I will not wake.

I care not if chance or fate
– in sorrow have I wandered
and cursed Death for being so late.
This is the night I wanted.

Love and hope were all I knew:
every breath I would revere.
But love passed like morning dew
and hope fell to my worst fear.

Because our love was youthful,
there was nothing Time could do.
But Fate was very watchful,
and no bounds his great arm knew.

Thus for me the night had come
and all the world slept and dreamed.
But my visions then were from
opened eyes it would have seemed.

Through the darkness I held fast
to sanity till the dawn.
Only when I breathe my last
will these bleak visions be gone.

Now in this concluding hour
I exalt your memory.
In this I find the power
to accept eternity.

Let tomorrow bring for me
a blood red sun’s cloudless break.
Death, tonight, will set me free,
then by my love will I wake.

When of my breath I am shorn
and you bear me to the ground,
sing no threnody forlorn!
Utter not a mournful sound.

Bear me not there with weeping
for I would you weep no tear.
Lay me beside my darling,
for my heart has rested here.

(Written in 2013)

The Captive

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Shadows embraced this mournful hall
as the vast night beckoned to me.
In vain I sought her dreamy call
– yes, I would struggle endlessly.

No more is darkness a solace
that will shelter my restless mind.
I close my eyes but I am sleepless,
there is no comfort here to find.

I am plagued with lucid visions
of the shame I tried to bury.
These memories are like phantoms
– each bears the name “Depravity.”

Can I forget what I have done
and find the strength to start anew?
Will I ever find redemption,
hope that is lasting and true?

Is there still hope to rise and fight,
and to risk falling once again?
For should I wish to see that Light,
I run risk of being human.

What can one do in such defeat
when this despair is hollowing
– knowing that there is no retreat
and remorse ever following?

Oh breathe the fear of damnation:
with terror will one suffocate.
As he succumbs to the poison,
he falls in the balance of Fate.

So I resign to the shadow
with my soul in captivity.
And I brace for the time to follow,
knowing I will never be free.

(Written in September, 2014)

Roulette

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It was one moment too late,
but that was all it would take.
When I saw my chance and took that gamble
I just ignored the odds of survival
– I already knew the stakes.

It was one moment too late,
but that was all it would take.
When you pressed your body tight against me,
I said, “Tonight forsake your sanity.
Let’s live before morning breaks.”

It was one moment too late
– our lips found each other.
Words that should have stayed unspoken
betrayed you to this twisted passion
– you loaded the revolver.

I thought I knew how this would end
when I pulled the fucking trigger.
Every lie that brought you closer
was a bullet in the chamber
– I kept spinning the cylinder.

I thought I knew how this would end
because this wasn’t my first game.
But the lust that burned in your eyes
– that willingness to cut all ties
– warned me that your score stood the same.

I should have known how this would end
because I knew what you had done.
You dug six feet and bid farewell
– one last muzzle flash broke the spell
– he’s buried with the smoking gun.

I should have known how this would end
when I pulled the fucking trigger.
But I lost count of all my lies
– we were both too drunk to realize
it was not an empty chamber.

(Written in September, 2017 // J.T., CA)